joy rides

 

(Big Basin Redwoods State Park, November 2012)

 

"for one minute please, stand here in silence and look at the sky

and contemplate how awesome life can be"

 

i really love blogging, its a way of expressing the mess thats in your head,

i always thought that my posts were organised as therapy sessions,

in order to reduce my visits to my psychiatrist.

 

So, bro's off to Iraq, i'll be off to somewhere next year too,

feels weird being accepted to loads of unis and having to choose.

having a boyfriend and friends make that choice even harder,

everything seems too twisted to be explained, once again.

but you just cant say no to an Ivy League

because you areinto the sick parties of south coast unis.

 

too many white lies and white lines, thats how my life can be described.

i miss my brother, i really really miss him, and i lied to him, the

only person that really cares about how im doin, if im alive, inside.

its hard coming out and he knows that, and he has to accept

that some things take time, and that time changes you, wise owl.

 

meow, chea

 

 

9 people you become when you're drunk

 

you can start today, following the principle of joy

follow me and love what you do

whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you cry

just like you it cant be silent in the night

its finding the cause, a round of applause and winning the game

______________________

 

one thing i've learnt in Cali, is how to party like you mean it.

being sober is def not an option for a student there

seriously considering the university of San Diego. bring it on exams.

learn how to work hard, but also how to party even harder, rawr.

its always darker before the dawn

"doomed from the start,

we met with a goodbye kiss, i broke my wrist.

it all kicked off, i had no choice

you said that you didnt mind, because

love is hard to find."

____________________

its 4 am here, i havent slept all night long.

we’re all just searching for something
bigger than we’re all able to find

and thats killing us every single day.

sometimes i feel like im worthless,

does anyone really care? want the answer? noh.
so we should get used to it and stop whining around
like disordered bitches.

"past is past baby," he whispered, "past is past."

time aint wasted, when you're gettin wasted

"she hides the pain behind the fun,she said she doesn't need anyone at all,they say she's living way too fast, I wonder how long she can last
before she falls -to the ground."

_____________________________________

You're about to embark on a private baltimore yacht party experience

unlike any other you've ever seen or heard about.

10 teenagers, one yacht, one jacuzzi, drinks. WHOAA

the problem is when you cant even remember the basics,

that sick must have been. today even though im hangovered, i feel nice.

you know why? because im sick of the humdrum. is it too bad that i wanna live?

im fuckin 17, i dont want to waste my life with things i dont even like.

sure, i cant change my past, but i really need to change my future.



calm down and smoke a blunt

I hate sticking my fingers down my throat and tasting throwing up,
I hate gagging, I hate feeling the food go up my esophagus,
through my throat and out my mouth.
I hate it so much but as much I hate it, I still love the control it gives me

i tried every single way i was tought to prevent myself from binging,

42 days purge-free and then, as always,

the stress-zone appeared and im down the rabbit hole, again.

island of the sun.

( La Jolla Shore, Summer 2011)

"i like your messy hair,

 i like the clothes you wear

i like the way you sind

and the way you dance with me

i dont know why i love you i just know
i cant stop thinking of you

its cause you make me smile,

you always make me smile."

_____________________

Whoa, i cant believe than in 23 days i'll be free,

no strings holding me back to baltimore,

only Europe and Georgetown. it will be sohh koool.

(the 100% nj accent now, haha)

_____________

nothing important's happening, and the exam mode is on

so bye bye sweethearts, SATs mathematics is mah fellow

for the rest of the day, aufwiedersehen. :}

i swim to breathe, and i breathe to swim

how i love my man-like shoulders, and these tan lines.

you cant imagine how cool is to be a swimmer.

all the turn sets, or the 1650. the morning practises

with the clif bars and the orange juices.

the meets, the peeing in the pool,

the hot, flat abs of the boys, your pedals,

the goggles and the cups, the chlorine, and your greenish hair.

but after all, we are swimmers.

we ain't normal, we are fighters.

we are swimming because our bodies

is way too hot to be covered with clothes.

little mermaids with tan lines, thats our scars,

the scars that we definately should be proud of.