i swim to breathe, and i breathe to swim

how i love my man-like shoulders, and these tan lines.

you cant imagine how cool is to be a swimmer.

all the turn sets, or the 1650. the morning practises

with the clif bars and the orange juices.

the meets, the peeing in the pool,

the hot, flat abs of the boys, your pedals,

the goggles and the cups, the chlorine, and your greenish hair.

but after all, we are swimmers.

we ain't normal, we are fighters.

we are swimming because our bodies

is way too hot to be covered with clothes.

little mermaids with tan lines, thats our scars,

the scars that we definately should be proud of.

the way you look at me

i think i love you, but dont tell anyone.

its up to you to find beauty in the ugliest days.

(Paris, France. Spring Break 2011)

"Well uh oh, oh I love her because she moves in her own way
Well uh oh, oh she came to my show just to hear about my day"

_______

freedom is definately blogging in your underwear.

came back home after a day full of cheerleading and 8 hours of school,

i live a life of excess, too much is never quite enough. i need more .

today was the fay of being extremely fucking high and sex-obsessed

something that i cant name is lingering underneath my happiness,

not bad, but yeah, it still exists.

my lovely baby will be off next year for UCLA, awww. his dream came true.

well, he always felt that he belonged somewhere, so baltimore wasnt really a problem.

after years of doing laps and crying, well, a swimming pool is my only home.

_______

she sat on the coach struggling to find words, it was such a long day.

"i made it" she yelled out of breath.

but she knew that all these was a fucking lie, after all those years
talking with this little, twisted blondie, she knew.

"well done", she replied, smiling, waiting for her to start speaking.

" i didnt think of dying, or purging, or even the calories. it

was my first fucking day of freedom."

but she stayed there not talking, still waiting and thinking

how a young girl's life could be completely changed, with no way back.

kids of the cola

(Paris, France. Spring Break 2011)

" So you think you got it all worked out,
You get your hot pants on you got your penis right out,
You think that you were something new and special,
Me and my drab dress we won't do at all. "

____

Honestly, im a disordered bitch.

I’ve become a really cold closed off person

because so many different people have hurt me and left me.

And i know more people will too, because everyone leaves.

stress-free zone? or concrete jungle?

(Cambridge, UK.  Fall 2011)

"i wanna be drunk when i wake up,

on the right side of the wrong bed"

_______

i have problems with my sleep lately, and i get only two hours of sleep.

This is equal to no school, more training sessions.

And in two week time my exams will be on. i have to focus on these things.

Damn, all this boyfriend-shit can be so energy-consuming.

Well, whateever. Yesterday we went to the mall with chad,

i had to spoil myself a little bit. So J Brand and vintage shopping it is.

two new short shorts and an amazing leather jacket. how impulsive of me.

and then i treated my self a blueberry cheesecake glacier. nom nom nom.

________

"Stop holding on to what hurts and make room for what feels good,"
he answered while closing his door behind him.

She jumped out of bed, running after her brother "So what should i do?"

"Eat my little jelly, sleep under the stars, have fun. life is too short"

"Why are you telling me this?" said with an amused expression.

"Good question" he thought, and then he pulled out his cell and started mambling.

She always resented those puny but upright words.

free your mind and the rest will follow

      (Broadstairs, UK Fall 2011)

"Closing time; every new beginning comes from some 

others beginning end"

Morning dolls, incredibly good mood today.

i stopped hoping for a mircale; the best i can do is be me.

no one's flawless, i wont hold myself back. 

"i love you, more and more everyday", she shouted back.

and then he smiled, all charming and disarming. 

his smooth green eyes scanning her from head to toes.


Life didnt get any better than the moment 

when she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him.

that wonderful, surprising kiss.

new york; the city tha never sleeps

The first week of my spring break i went all my way up to my parents penthouse in NYC.

Words cant explain how happy i felt being back there, it was my hometown.

The trip uptown from Grand Central had gone too quickly. And it was time;

i had to confront my fears, my mom, my change. The last time i've been up there

it was full of ed crying, sleeping, more eating and purging. not good.

unexpectedly it turned out  that it would be fine, except that my brother announced

that he is thinking of joining the special operation forces. hope he changes his mind.

And here are some pictures, taken with love to remind me how beautiful a city can be.

Happy April Fool's Day

"All i want is to explore this world, to ignore the brutality of reality,

to leave my footprints and wander, it that abnormality?"

Here's the birthday girl, yesterday was the first of my last teenage ones.

Woke up late enough to have breakfast prepared and my beloved best friend

waiting for me downstairs, my life was complete. My "suicide policeman" was there.

And as much as he is concerned, he is the only one who stayed
the longest by my side in my twisted, messed-up world.

Lunch with my brothers, brother and best friend, and my sister who came down here just for that.

And then a terrific night followed, you know, full of "touch my ding ding dong"

and one of those "i love you" things that paralyze me.

So, what should i do now? First thought was, i need to cut people out more. 

But yeah, big dillema here. I dont wanna end up hurting you.

Allie, xx.